While pregnancy is supposed to be one of the most exciting and joyful experiences for a woman, for some it turns out to be the exact opposite. I am talking about losing an unborn child through miscarriage. Regrettably, I used to be that person that would sympathize with a person who had lost a baby prematurely during their pregnancy but still did not understand the depth of their pain or how a baby, whom they had never met, could carry so much hurt and anguish within their family. So many times throughout our lives we simply cannot understand things until we experience them for ourselves.
Having more children after being a single mom for months of our marriage from two separations, a near finalized divorce, and a deployment with my husband on the heels of that near divorce, was the last thing on my mind. Single moms and spouses of the armed forces, I salute you and hold you in high regard. Two positions in life that the majority of the population has no idea what day-to-day life is like for you, or the struggles you face. You are simply amazing. I have walked in both of these shoes and am grateful for the depth of compassion I have for you now, that I would have never known otherwise.
A restored marriage certainly changes everything, including the topic of adding to your family. We had three boys and came to the agreement to try for one more, of course secretly hoping we would be able to experience the blessing of a daughter. The news of our forth pregnancy was filled with elation. My excitement with each pregnancy has grown because I know what these beautiful blessings will bring into our lives. We quickly shared the news with everyone and even put our house on the market because we desperately needed a bigger place with the expectant baby coming just months away. As the weeks went by, it was hard to keep this excitement. Something just did not seem right. Something was off. Something I could not explain.
The same week I celebrated my 30th birthday, we had to mourn the loss of our unborn child and come to terms that we would never celebrate his/hers. I went to Urgent Care because I had been battling a stomach bug for four days and had developed other complications. While there, I expressed my concern for some pregnancy issues I had been experiencing as well. They did an ultrasound and discovered I had a hemorrhage where the baby was attached. I could tell something was wrong because the ultrasound technician took numerous pictures of this one place low in my abdomen and was very quiet and showed no emotion. I also learned that the baby’s heart rate was not stable and he/she was in distress. I was optimistic and was sure that the baby was going to be fine. I was hopeful that rest would solve the problem.
We were scheduled for a routine ultrasound the following Monday. I was shocked whenever our doctor backed away from the ultrasound exam and announced that there was no heartbeat. Tears began to flow down my face as I realized we had lost our baby. What had gone wrong I wondered? Dr. Beguin, my OBGYN with all three boys, explained that miscarriages happen to one in four pregnancies. I replied, “I’m the perfect statistic because this was our fourth pregnancy.” We were absolutely heart broken. He also assured me the stomach bug would not have caused the miscarriage. So much guilt surrounded the loss of this baby. I needed to blame someone, so I blamed myself. Reading a book called I’ll Hold You in Heaven by Jack Hayford was critical in my healing process. I highly recommend this book to others that have experienced this tragedy.
I rest knowing that our baby, whom we named Kendall, is in the heaven and having the most amazing childhood a kid could possibly have. Knowing that we will see Kendall again gives me so much peace and hope. I also find comfort in knowing that because of this experience, I will now be able to identify and grieve with other women who also battle this type of loss. After we were able to heal from this experience, we did open ourselves up to the possibility of trying again and got pregnant. Our daughter will be born in just a few short weeks.